I thought I was a musician , who would find the answers life in the world around me.
I learned stamina, to live without money, drive in cars that almost fell apart and deal with friendly rejections of record companies. Later the taste of success and the adjoining loneliness where added to that. To work in recording studios had always been my dream. I loved the differences between dreamers, determined goal seekers. I worked with a large number of artist, record companies in many countries and produced an astonishing amount of music. Hits started coming, millions of CDs where sold and on my wall where golden records. And when I was finally living the dream I had when I was 16 years old I realised that this was not the place where I would find what I was truly seeking.
And so I became a spiritual seeker , looking for the answers inside myself.
The next part of my journey had me passionately seeking God, seeking spirituality and enlightenment. I became a ‘devotee’ and traded my worldly desires for a journey inward. My days started and ended with prayers and deep meditation. Singing mantras was now my music. The recording studio changed into a mountain and my bedroom into a small tent. I found the deep stillness and enlightenment I had been so desperately seeking.
Then I was still alone, lonelier than ever. On this mountain, both the mountain outside and inside myself, there was no true connection with life, with the people I met. My friends where only my friends when we spoke the same prayers and bowed to the same guru. But the guru turned out to be just as plastic as the golden records on my wall and I became depressed.
Alone, lost, there was no place to seek anymore. I had searched outside and inside myself and had found nothing but beautiful illusions. My life was over. I had lost everyone and everything. There where no stones left to turn, not even tears left to cry.
So I stopped and sat down. Without mediation, without bliss, without running, I just sat with myself and for the first time I felled life. Not the polished version I had been seeking for so long, but life in its raw and pure expression. For the first time I knew who I was, what I was. Not a perfect made up version of myself, but as I was created. Without answers, but filled with question about this moment.
Words started to flow, in music and poems. For the first time there was true friendship, both with the people I met as with myself. My pain had awakened compassion. No longer the need to help someone, just meeting them. One traveller meeting another. One friend meeting another friend. Sometimes for a brief moment, sometimes a bit longer.
I had been seeking so long. First in the world, later in myself, to eventually discover that what I was truly seeking, was what I had always been, closer than my breath, the simplicity of this moment, the source of my longing. There is no key, the door had always been open. Actually, there never has been any door. There is nowhere I need to go, because I am already there and without realising it always have been there.
No longer seeking a specific experience. Music, words and people are still my passion, without a specific goal. And tomorrow? I have no idea what tomorrow brings, but know that I am in love with today.